What I learned from Trans and Non-Binary kids and OCD’s lingering differentiation
Happy Pride month to all my queer and trans friends.
I founded Queer – Trans or Whatever Network (Q-TOWN), a group for all ages, after working with a trans teen about 15 years ago who inspired a rainbow-shaded movement. I am now knee-deep in my work with gender-non-conforming kids, teens, and adults. As a member of the World Professional Association for Trans Health (WPATH) for the past decade plus, where we members follow all the updated guidelines and research, I am intimately up- to – date on current studies and the impact of seeing someone as they identify.
To be a trans person today is to carry some social anxiety in the world, because you must live your life in opposition and on the margins. There is harmony when a trusted other or a parent offers recognition. Our mental health skyrockets. Someone who uses your chosen pronouns or even simply makes the effort to try leads to remarkably ameliorated outcomes.
The inverse is also tragically true; mental health plummets without some level of acceptance from family members and attachment figures. Even partial acceptance leads to amazingly superior long-term mental health consequences in youth. This is why I do family work, because the whole family unit, and the role of each member within the system, deeply impacts the whole. I have literally witnessed overnight transformations when a parent tries to use their child’s chosen pronoun, and that child suddenly stops being suicidal. We all long for love and acceptance from our loved ones.
“Pronoun anxiety” is how I describe something we all experience sometimes, out of caring too much, when you are trying to use the right pronouns but keep failing accidentally. “Will I get the right pronouns?” you ask yourself. That self-monitoring, rooted in self-determination theory, a psychological concept, leads to stumbling over the wrong ones. This is okay, and it is part of healing. I’ve witnessed even trans people accidentally misgender themselves. We are all in our heads, and our nervous systems are terrified of getting it wrong, even as we try so hard to get it right. It is, in my view, the dark underbelly of being deeply considerate.
Because OCD has a sexuality subtype, and is another one of my specialties, I often see young adults or teens who are concerned that they are gay and or trans. Answering simple questions about their identity leads to clarity, calm, confident insight, and self-awareness. But if the questioning is terror-driven with a side order of rumination, that’s a strong indication that it might be OCD rather than identity exploration.
May your month be full of love and acceptance of all humans and differences. May you embrace everything with the courage of a pride of lions. You are beyond brave for even trying these days. Thank you for being one of my greatest teachers, and ours collectively, as a society.